With Much-Unsaid Love
by ChamiriHatake101
Summary: Romano has always lived a rough life and at first he blamed it on Antonio, his first true love, after shit hit the fan. Seven years after graduating from college, Romano is dared to write a letter to Antonio. He writes the first one never thinking he'd write more. One soon turns into several as he tells his life story to Antonio, who would never receive the letters by mail to read.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own Hetalia, just the story.

**Warning: **There is an implied suicide within this story so if anyone is unable to handle that, please do not read this story. I do not wish to trigger anything for any of you lovely readers. You have been warned.

* * *

Dear Tomato Bastard,

I'm not going to ask how you are because I really don't care. I was forced to write a letter to you as a dare that Arthur gave me this morning. I don't even care what things you may be doing now because we're apart now. Why bother trying to reconnect? That's why I'm not going to send this letter. Or any other letters if I decide to write more.

Things here are just as you left it. Arthur is still a smarmy ass-hole, Alfred and Gilbert still make their pranks on stupid people who fall for their idiotic tendencies, Veneziano is still infatuated with Ludwig, I'm still pissed off that my brother likes that dumb potato bastard. Same shit, different day. I work, I eat, I sleep. You're probably doing the same but making more friends because that's how you are. An easy-going, air-headed, friendly and accepting bastard.

I'm done with this letter. Arthur didn't say it had to be a long one or what it should say.

I hope you're fucking happy with your decision.

From,

Romano

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

I didn't think I'd make another one of these but I just felt like it. I don't need to ask how you're doing since you'll never receive any of these so I won't bother. All I hope for is that your life isn't all that shitty like mine is. I hope you're living it up, meeting other ass-holes, probably going to marry some pretty girl that I'll never meet and steal from you. If you have any kids, don't make me their godfather or uncle. I'd be shitty at taking care of them especially if we don't even see each other.

Life over here isn't all that much the same as I said before. Everyone that used to be in the big group we hung out in has their own busy lives these days. Arthur's some fucking author for fantasy novels that have become best sellers. Alfred's working with NASA and can barely talk to us because of confidentiality. Gilbert's a mechanic at the local garage. Veneziano has been traveling the world with Ludwig for his artistic inspiration. Kiku has gone back to Japan and creates manga. Everyone is living well off or fine. Except for me.

I can barely hold the same job since I graduated from college. A fucking business degree does me nothing. It's because of my attitude. How I'm such a bastard to everyone and say it as I see it. No one can handle my kind of honesty. The words I say are hurtful but I don't care. I really don't. Just fuck 'em all. No one will ever understand me. I thought Arthur would, but…

I can't do this.

Romano

#

Dear Bastard,

Was it so hard for you to separate from everyone or was it fucking easy? Cuz it seems that it was pretty fucking easy for you to just up and leave us all for Spain. Fuck you, Toni, just fuck you.

I haven't spoken to anyone at all for the past month since I hilariously decided to continue writing letters to you for kicks. Not a damn soul has contacted me back with concern so it goes to show how unimportant I am to people. I could fall off the face of the Earth and no one would care. Would you care, ass-hole? Would you care if I died even after the shitty break-up? I don't think you would. You never really cared about me. You said so yourself.

Gah, I am just so pissed off right now. I can't think straight – don't you dare laugh at that fucking pun – and I'm just… I don't know. I'm lost, I guess. Lost in this pit of rage that no one wants to get me out of. They're all probably thinking, "Yeah, 'bout time that stupid Italian just withers up. No one liked him anyway." I bet all of you bastards were just faking your friendly gestures and nice words. All of you were faking it so you could laugh at me after it all breaks apart for me. Weren't you?

God dammit, these fucking tears are blinding me. I can't write anymore. I need a smoke.

Romano

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

I'm such a fucking mess. Wow, what a baby. I can't believe I overreacted but I guess it's expected of me now. Throwing a tantrum when something goes wrong. Not like you'd be worrying about me anyway.

There's nothing wrong. Not really. I was just having a bad day. Veneziano happened to call me and calmed me down. He's going to be visiting soon. I haven't seen him since a few months after graduation so it'll be nice. Arthur called not long after he did to check up on me. My fratello must have told him I sounded off and asked to talk to me. The prick will be visiting me tomorrow so we can catch up. I'm kind of happy but you know me. I'll be pissy and passive aggressive like usual.

If people really cared they would call me at least once a week or twice a month, right? Then that would mean only Veneziano cares about me. Ugh, negative thoughts again. I'm going to drink tonight away just for some semblance of peace.

Romano

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

I haven't exactly shared what's been going on with me besides being nearly unemployed all the time, haven't I? I guess you should sit back and grip your seat because you'll get a basic, harsh summary of what's been going on with me since you left.

After graduation, I instantly got picked up for a good business job in some company that people know around here. I was doing good for a while, keeping myself in check and all, but there's always some ass-hole in the office. A jerk always kept hitting on me or bullying the other workers, and I kind of went off on him when he went too far. I was reprimanded but kept the job. It didn't last long when that same jerk started molesting me in the office. I gave him a head-butt, the kind I'd give you when I was embarrassed or mad, and that's when I was fired.

When I was free again, Veneziano was just starting to leave with that potato bastard on a worldwide traveling experience. I kind of had a tantrum then and we've been on awkward terms since, but he still manages to call me now and then. I look forward to those calls since he's the only person who seems to care about me. If he ever stopped calling, I'm not sure what would happen to me.

Anyway, soon after Vene left, Arthur and I started to hang out more. We got really close. So close that we started dating for a while. We had some damn good times spent together, but with us both being hotheaded and stubborn at times we argued over stupid things a lot. Sometimes we could easily make up and have great sex, but other times we'd be still mad about it all until enough time passed where we apologized and just forgot about it. We were like that for a good year and a half before history repeated itself. I guess that's why it's no surprise he doesn't really contact me anymore. Just like you.

Once the fallout with Arthur happened, life started to seem bleak to me. I try to keep going, applying for jobs so I can make a living and stay alive long enough for mio fratello to see me. I even tried for some cooking jobs. I'm really good at cooking. Better than that damned Brit by a long shot. The only problem is that I can't really commit anymore. It's hard keeping it up some days. I can't always get up and repeat a day over like others can. It's boring. It's not what I want.

Then what do I want? You'd probably ask me that and I'd give the same answer I would give everyone else. I don't know. I thought I knew what I wanted in life starting out, but as the years keep slowly going by, I've realized that what I wanted wasn't something I could really get and gave up. I've got no motivation. Not one ounce of interest in anything.

Fuck my life.

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

I just realized I didn't sign the last letter. Stupid of me to forget that but whatever. God, I sound so depressed and mopey. I hate that.

So, I just recently got a job. This one seems promising. At least it's not that shitty. Still, I can cook again. I'm going to try and focus on some things I still like doing that doesn't make me upset. I haven't shared my sob story but my boss is willing to give me a chance. I feel like that I know the guy but I don't remember. I'll keep you updated. Like you'll even know what's going on.

Romano L. V.

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

You're probably wondering what happened from two letters ago. Well, not much else happened after Arthur and I broke up. Like I said, I've been trying to live my life as far as I can. Now that I'm working again, I know I'm going to try and do better. It's a promise to myself. I'll try to change my life and stop being so pissy and mopey but I doubt any real changes will happen all too fast.

So, the real boss of my job came in today to greet me. Guess who it is? Francis fucking Bonnefoy. I could've sworn Arthur told me he left for France like you did for Spain. He and Matthew were a good duo for a long while but it seems the shy Canadian wasn't meant for him. So Francis is now single and Matthew is shaking it up with Ivan. I'd give anything to see how pissed Alfred is about that. I don't quite know what Matt sees in that Russian bastard but to each their own.

Anyway, so Francis is my real boss. At first, I was kind of mortified because I'd rather not work with nor for a perverted creep like him, but he's giving me a chance and I can't squander it. So I'm going to deal with him. Maybe I can learn something about your friend. You tried to tell me he wasn't all that perverted but I only heard the rumors and observed the many people he slept with. It's been seven years, he's probably changed.

Nothing else to report now so I'll fuck off and leave you alone. Why do I keep talking as if you're reading these stupid letters? God, I'm an idiot. Whatever.

Romano L. V.

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

Have I told you that my love life is nonexistent now? It doesn't help with how I am but still. No one fucking loves me like how you and Arthur once did. Arthur occasionally says he still loves me but he'd probably never go out with me again because of how messed up things got. It was my fault unlike when I was with you. That was your fault. I still haven't really forgiven you but talking to you… Well, writing to a figment of you in my memories has been a good stress relief for me. After being burned twice, though, I don't think I'll be looking for anyone to love again.

So I say that because Francis has been talking about our days in college. He's been recounting each person he's slept with – including you before we dated but that doesn't surprise me – and it just made me think how sad my love life really is. I know he didn't bring it up to be an ass-hole. He told me that he had loveless sex because it always felt good and there were no strings attached. He didn't want to be in love with anyone then because he has his own issues with that feeling.

I really should have listened to you when it comes to him because I feel like Francis and I could be friends. Really good friends. The kind that kind disclose things and trust the other but have no deep emotional ties to where you hurt each other after you stop talking with each other. He's also been really helpful in teaching me new cooking techniques and recipes. It's actually been really fun working beside him. I should have never listened to those stupid rumors about him.

The two of us are going out drinking later in the week. I hope we don't get drunk and fuck each other when we black out. I don't want another regret in my life to crop up. I don't want to lose this job.

I'll write more of my stupid, pathetic life later.

Romano L. V.

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

I can't help but wonder what you're doing sometimes. I wonder if you're happy. If you've reached your dream of being a farmer in Spain. If you changed your dream to something else. If you met someone else to fall in love with. If you ever regret dating me. Just know that I don't regret dating you. Even if you cheated on me by accident or later went back to the same woman to piss me off because she could be your shoulder to cry on. I don't regret it because I loved you. In some ways I still love you, but I'd be damned to admit that I miss you.

We ended up getting drunk and having sex anyway but it didn't ruin anything. If there was a downfall to this, it's probably the fact that we're probably turning into sex friends. Or is the correct phrase "friends with benefits"? Either way, we're like that now. Nothing awkward between us, thank the fucking lord. We've gotten a bit closer now and can subtly flirt with innuendoes now. Acting like some shitty, hormonal kids but I don't care. I'm having fun. Screw anyone who tries to ruin this fun for me.

Job wise, my cooking has gotten better. Francis is the actual chef of the place and has taken me under his wing to increase my knowledge. He says if I stick around long enough and get to his level, he'll make me his sous-chef. Do you know how flipping happy that made me? I'm determined to impress the shit out of that Frenchy. Just because we're friends with benefits and knew each other in college, I don't expect special treatment. I told him that and he agreed that he'll not favor me over others. It's really good.

Maybe my life is finally turning around. Would you say?

Romano L. Vargas

#

…

Of course. Of fucking course this happens. Why? I don't deserve this. Is it just fun for me to suffer? Is someone up there laughing at my pain? Fuck them. Fuck everyone.

R.L.V.

#

Dear Bastard,

I fucked up again. I don't know why this happens but it does. Francis says he believes I have some love trauma because of you. I don't have enough energy to fight him on that. Love trauma? It sounds stupid but it might be true. You made it hard for me to trust someone enough to love them. I can't trust anyone anymore because of what you did. You fucking bastard. I hate you. Why the hell am I still writing to you? Fuck this. Fuck Arthur for starting this. Bastard. Hate all of you.

R.L.V.

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

It's been three months and seventeen days. I'm a wreck. I've started counseling and the woman I see told me to keep writing these letters but I just couldn't. Not until today.

I had an accident in the kitchen while I was on the job. One of the guys screwed up the dish I was making on purpose. I knew it was on fucking purpose because the guy has been giving me the stink eye since Francis and I started our friendship. I don't know what the deal is, if the guy has a secret crush on Francis, but he dealt with it the wrong way. I reacted the wrong way. You know how I am once I'm set off. It's hard to cool me down. Thank God Francis was able to stop me because I'm not sure what I would've done after confronting the guy. Besides what I already had done.

It doesn't hurt to write anymore and I'm confident I can still cook. I'm going to have a nasty scar around my wrist for forever now but I don't care. It's a mark of what I did wrong. Hopefully, I'll remember my mistakes when looking at it as I'm about to snap. It might help me. Just like how Francis has been helping me.

He hasn't fired me or the guy. He's giving me another chance. After getting my wrist bandaged up, I kind of panicked in front of him and begged him not to fire me. I spilled my guts open to him so now he knows the harsh life I've been living. The look of pity on his face almost made me run from him but I didn't. I need this job to keep living. I can't just stop here when I've finally got a full-time job with great insurance and benefits. Hell, I'm grateful that Francis is here in my life now because things have actually gotten slightly better. He's a good friend.

I should rest my hand. Francis has been letting me wash the dishes so I can still earn some money but I miss cooking. If I rest my hand I can cook again.

Romano L. Vargas

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

Okay, so I realize that there probably needs to be some clarification for what the fuck is going on at work. I guess I can explain that here since it would probably put my mind at ease. A little.

Since Francis and I became friends with benefits, this co-worker guy has been giving me the stink eye. He hasn't been treating me like everyone else has and even drops some hints that he knows the kind of relationship I have with Francis. I know he's been trying to start trouble, I've overheard him in the work room with the other co-workers, but majority of the people I work with are pretty chill. This one instance he was whispering about how he has a hunch that I'm fucking Francis to keep my job and get a better pay. My pay is the same amount as everyone else but I doubt he'd give a shit about that. Everyone else he told kind of shrugged him off, mumbling about how our business is our business. One said that even if we were fucking, there weren't many signs of it because we keep it professional at work. Anyway, Francis treats everyone equally at work, including when he teasingly flirts with everyone or praises them. The guy didn't like that reaction at all.

I think I might have mentioned it before but I believe that guy actually likes Francis and that's why he's giving me shit at work. Either that or he idolizes Francis to the point he will cut down anyone shaming the Frenchman's image. Like that's the reason. I mean, why else would the guy be gunning for my possible pink slip? He's been screwing around with my dishes, "accidentally" making messes around me, and pushing my buttons so I can swing my knife at him. Yep, that's what happened. That's why I've now got the scar on my wrist. Bastard thinks he can get what he wants. Well I'll show him.

I'll keep you updated if anything changes at work with that guy.

Romano L. Vargas

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

Remember when I mentioned that Veneziano was visiting soon? I forgot to write about that instance. He's just visited again too so I can sum up what's been going on.

The last visit Vene made, he dropped a bomb on me. Seems that potato bastard proposed to him and he said yes. They're planning to get married next year. I'm not all that happy. For him, yeah, it's great. For me, it just goes to show that he has a better and happier life than me. I can't help comparing ourselves sometimes. He's always been the better one of us so it makes sense for his life to be better than mine.

At least Vene is happy for me to get a new job with Francis. You should've seen his smile. God, anyone could fall for him. Don't tell him this, but if we weren't brothers and happened to meet in a different life, I probably would have hit on him. Doubt we would have ended up dating but yeah. Wow, fucked up thing to write. Meh, too lazy to erase that. Anyway, Veneziano congratulated me on getting a job but freaked out when I told him about the accident. He's glad I'm seeing a counselor, which by the way, she's really sweet so I'm also glad that I'm seeing her.

From this letter on I have promised to call that idiot who will marry my brother by his name. Vene kind of tricked me into promising that. So I will refrain from calling Ludwig the 'potato bastard.' Then again, what Vene doesn't know won't kill him. :] I can't believe I just drew that. God, these letters have really played with me.

I'm meeting Arthur tonight so I'll end it here. See what the next letter will say. Hopefully, this meeting won't be crappy.

Romano L. Vargas

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

Arthur and I actually had a fun night last night. We didn't bitch and moan or argue. We just relaxed and laughed about college memories, good memories. We even reminisced when we were actually a good couple. See, we did have a lot of good days. We didn't fight all the time. No, we got along really well.

There was a moment during our conversation where I sobered up and apologized to him for what I did. I had a long time to think about what happened, including the time when Francis said I have some kind of trauma, or fear really, when it comes to loving people.

In our relationship, Arthur was doing his best for me to be happy. We were independent enough where we didn't cling to each other but knew we could lean on one another if we needed support. I always tried to do something for him as well but I always came up short since he's better at the romantic side of things than I am. Hell, he's even better at being seductive. How could I ruin a relationship that probably would have lasted until we died? I'll tell you how.

When we got to the point where we were nearly inseparable and always so sickeningly lovey-dovey, I panicked. I told him this last night, too. I panicked because I was afraid that he'd end up seeing I'm not good enough and sleep with someone else behind my back like you did. I was terrified of losing him and ended up being the cause of us tearing apart. I grew distant and he tried to close the gap but I kept pushing him away. I even shouted, "How can I trust that you're not sleeping with people behind my back?!" or something like that. He was shocked at that question and even disappointed, but his anger at that moment won out. He yelled at me, saying he couldn't believe how little I trusted him. I yelled back, telling him it's hard to trust someone when I know that their eyes wander. Everyone's eyes wander. He tried to tell me he wouldn't cheat and that he hasn't thought of hurting me like you did. In the end, I was the one who cheated on him and he dissolved our relationship. It was a messed up thing to do and I have no justifiable excuse, but I admit that I screwed myself over. Arthur's a good man and a good catch. I can't believe I screwed that up.

But yeah, I apologized to him and told him I would understand if he never forgave me. I know he's already told me he's never going to date me again, which is fine with me, but I really did miss out on a possible happy life with him. By the time we left the bar, he told me that he would forgive me. He understands what you did to me, that's why he dared me to write you a letter with all my feelings expressed in it before. He understands but he was still hurt by me for the same thing. I'm glad he forgave me. I really am. We're just going to be friends now. I'm not sure if we'll ever be good friends but at least that's resolved.

I got one last kiss from him and I don't think I ever felt as happy in that moment than I have in the past seven years. I'm hopeless. I can't stop thinking about you and how I want to resolve our own problem now. I'm not going to send these letters though. I'm not going to call you. I don't even know if you have the same phone number. If we're meant to resolve our problem, something will come along. I know it will.

Romano L. Vargas

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

It seems you've been keeping in contact with Gilbert and Francis all this time. I only found out today because Gilbert mentioned something when he came to eat at the restaurant. He was talking with Francis and they were laughing until Francis realized I was listening in. He told Gilbert to hush up and went back to work, apologizing to me. It's like you're taboo now. "Must not talk about Antonio around Romano, else he'll freak out." I should tell Francis it's fine. They can talk about you. I don't care.

What I really care about is hearing how you're doing. I heard Gilbert say that you're dating some Belgium woman now? Is she pretty? I bet she is. Then again, you never really cared about how people looked. You were more about their personality. Isn't that what you said? If that's true then you have a poor taste in personality when it came to loving me. I have a shitty personality.

Gilbert said he'd be around more often now that he knows I'm working with Francis. Don't know what that's all about but I don't care. The more friends to reconnect with the better. I'll be sure to write it all down in as much detail as I want to give.

Hope you're having a blast of a time in Spain.

Romano L. Vargas

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

HOW THE FUCK DID I END UP IN THIS SITUATION!?

Okay, this is really not something I saw coming at all. Like, WHAT THE FUCK?! Gilbert has had a thing for me for how long…? Just, what? He asked me if I was seeing anyone and I had to tell him I'm technically fucking Francis but we're just sex friends? He seemed to find that information entertaining but I still can't process that he's been into me way before even you were? What? Why didn't he approach me first? You're the one who approached me. Why would you do that knowing that- Wait…. Wait, does that mean something? Does that mean you really didn't love me? You were just with me to mess with Gilbert and make him jealous? Oh, that makes so much fucking sense. Yeah, that's what was going on, wasn't it?

Fuck you, ass-hole.

Romano L. V.

#

Dear Bastard,

I confronted Gilbert about it. He said he doesn't know whether you really loved me or not. He kind of was pissed off at you for chasing me while knowing he liked me. I don't blame him. That's a dick move. Weren't you friends? You're a shitty friend.

Whatever. Yeah, I talked to him about my problems and he told me that we could work it out. That it was fine. He still wants to try it out with me. So I told him we can try, but if I start to distance myself and some shit, be warned that I might fuck something up. He told me that I shouldn't worry because he has thick skin and won't give up too easily.

Funny thing is, I always thought he was in love with Elizabeta. Do you remember her? Man, she was funny and weird as all hell. I remember when she would be dainty in front of that Austrian guy but a tomboy in front of everyone else. Talk about two-faced. Anyway, yeah. I thought he was head over heels for her since I knew he liked her for a very long time. Finding out that he actually had a thing for me all this time? It was a shock. Still is a shock.

How he explained it to me is that knowing she supports the LGBTQ+ community and was such a good childhood friend, he only acted like he was hitting on her as a kind of play. She would act like the guy he was crushing on and planning to chase. He would try flirting with her, wooing her, and using cheesy pick-up lines. All attempts were failures and that's why he was always so downtrodden about her refusals. He was basically asking for a experts(?) advice and help only to be brutally told he'd have better luck wooing a donkey. God, that woman's awesome. (So said by Gilbert himself AND approved from me to say per Gilbert. The idiot.)

So we're going to try it out. The dating thing. This will be my third chance at love and I really hope I don't fuck things up. Knowing me, I just might.

Hope you're fucking up your life as much as I am.

Romano L. V.

#

Dear Bastard,

Okay. Gilbert and I have been dating for at least a month now. I have to say that the guy is really nice when he's serious. There's the occasional moment where his stupidity shows but those moments always make me laugh. He likes to make me laugh. It's really good to experience this once again. Someone else caring and loving me. I've never felt any kind of love towards him before but that might change. If not… I hope I don't hurt another good friend.

I actually don't have much to say or share right now. I've been busy and happier recently, which is amusing. I know I keep being over dramatic over some little things but who wouldn't be? I'm just happy that something finally changed. I'm smiling again and that's all that matters. Right?

I'm starting to not care about you more and more yet I keep writing you these letters which will never be sent. Soon enough this will become a habit or I'll stop altogether. We'll see what happens.

Romano L. V.

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

Probably should've mentioned this before, since I promised to keep updates about work, but Francis and I strictly became friends after I started dating Gilbert. The guy at work still doesn't like that Franny and I are friends at all. He hasn't really tried anything recently but that doesn't mean he won't do anything in the future.

I told Francis about my thoughts on the guy since he was the reason I got my wrist cut. The Frenchy said he'd keep an eye on him and that if anything else happened he'd probably have to fire the guy. Depending on how I take the situation the guy puts me in, there's a chance I could get fired as well. He even said he might make an announcement to the staff about our friendship to clear up suspicions. I'll tell you what happens.

Whelp, I need to get going. Gilbert wants to go on a double date with Matthew and Ivan today and he's here to pick me up. This should be interesting.

Romano L. Vargas

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

Okay, a few days ago I mentioned that Francis would probably make an announcement and holy shit did he ever. So, when everyone was finished with work tonight he pulled everyone into the kitchen so he could talk with us. He brought up how well everyone is doing save for the couple accidents in the kitchen. He didn't lay names but I saw the guy who's been causing problems flinch a little. Then Francis said that he wanted to clear the water when it comes to relationships among the staff. He admitted to being a flirt all the time because that's how he is. It's something and involuntary action. He appreciates that the staff either plays along or playfully rolls their eyes and carries on. Then he brought me up.

"Mon cheries, I bet it's pretty obvious how close mon ami Romano and I are. Oui, we are friends outside of work. That is because we knew each other in college and have grown close after reuniting. Non, we are not dating. Oui, we had small flings, but now that he's dating mon ami Gilbert, we are strictly friends. I apologize if it seemed that I was playing favorites with him but I assure you all that I like to keep moi's personal life separate from work. So does Romano. If you didn't notice, he and I barely speak with each other at work unless it's work related. If any of you have problems with our friendship, please speak up about it now so we can resolve the issues here in the kitchen."

I believe that's what he said - sucky memory but who doesn't have one? – but anyway, after he said that, everyone started murmuring. Majority of the staff spoke aloud saying they didn't even know that the two of us were doing anything. They suspected some kind of friendship but nothing sexual, though it's not a real surprise. Everyone seemed to be okay with it, some even felt this was a waste of time, but the guy was livid. I could see him turning red with rage and his hands turned to fists. He kept quiet though. Damn right, bastard, you've been told.

Hopefully the guy will stop his antics now. My wrist is finally all better and I'd like to cook again. I just need to keep doing my exercises so my muscles don't freeze up on me.

Romano L. Vargas

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

One year. One long fucking year and here I am. Writing a letter to you again because something went wrong. Of course something went wrong. Everything was okay. I was starting to feel happy and get over my trust issues. Old friends were reconnecting with me and hanging out with me again. Gilbert kept his promise and never gave up on me and I didn't cheat out of spite like I did with Arthur. I slowly fell in love with the idiot but Life…. Life is being really cruel.

I'm not really mad right now, to be honest. I'm more depressed. I'm surprised with myself since I do give a damn about what all has happened but I just…expected it in a way? So I've mentally numbed myself to the point my anger just disappeared and was replaced with disappointment and depression? I don't know. I'm just so fucking confusing.

Gilbert hurt me like I know I was hurting him. I was leading him on for a whole year because I didn't have the gumption to tell him I was falling for him. Meanwhile, he was reconnecting with Matthew and Ivan. I didn't think anything of it because I knew Mattie and Ivan were estranged friends of his. Matthew specifically someone he enjoyed being around when Alfred was busy. Ivan and Gilbert have always had a feud with each other, just like Ivan and Al, but it seems they had gotten over it and found some common ground. They became comrades. Slowly but surely I could see it happening. Gilbert was falling in love with the Canadian and Russian, though he'd be stubborn and deny his love for Ivan. He didn't sleep with them. If anything he just kept hanging out with them. Even had me come along some days. I think during those moments I subconsciously knew but consciously let myself be blind until Gilbert came to me.

"I'm sorry, Roma…"

I only wish he didn't start things like you did. Once he said that, I just shut down all my emotions. I'm pretty sure I was straight lipped. He looked so apologetic. My response to it all? "I get it. It's fine. I never gave you a definite of possibly being in love with you so you found someone else who actually does. I'm not going to be a bastard about this and keep you from that. Anyway, I kind of saw it coming when you took me with them." I had kind of laughed hollowly. "It wasn't that hard to tell I was the odd one out. It's fine. Just go. Be happy."

That was the start of everything falling apart.

I'll share more in the next letter. I have to go. Meeting up with my counselor again.

Romano L. Vargas

#

Dear Tomato Bastard,

Sorry for taking so long to get back to you. You're probably worried about what I mean about everything falling apart. Well, let me explain it to you.

After Gilbert and I mutually dissolved out relationship, we kind of became friends again. He didn't really keep in touch, too busy with his new love interests, but I didn't really care much anymore. I talked to Francis about it and he seemed livid with Gilbert. I told him to forget about it because I didn't care. It was bound to happen anyway. He's still kind of mad at the German but I can't really change that. Francis and I became strict friends with no sex after I started dating Gilbert. Francis had offered to comfort me after the break-up but I told him I didn't feel the need anymore. I'd prefer just the friendship.

Work became my sole purpose again after that. I kept going day-by-day, repeating things again like how I first started out when writing these letters. It's becoming painstakingly clear to me that I'm just never going to find that someone to love me forever until death do us part. The only person who I could've been like that with, other than you, is Arthur, but I blew that chance and it will never happen again.

I'm not sure if I can really live like this, you know? It's hard. I feel stuck in a loop while everyone is moving around me to different places. Am I meant to be forever unhappy and living a boring life? Am I?

…

I got off track. Anyway, at work, that jerk started his antics again. He'd try messing with me subtly when Francis wasn't around and I would try to ignore him. Some days I could, other days he kept pushing the line. I didn't lash out like the first instance but I've threatened him a good number of times by now. I'm surprised he hasn't gotten the police on me with how morbid my threats became over time. No, instead he kept at it until I completely lost it again. I nearly thrashed him but I ran out of work instead. Francis wasn't too happy but I had to get out of there before I let my anger entirely out on the guy.

That was when I could feel angry again. I went home and I just trashed the place in all my rage. Francis had tried to call me but I ignored him. He got Gilbert to call but I ignored him too. That's when Veneziano called and I actually picked up. Mio fratello was worried, of course. It must have been really late on his end but he still called to check on me. I love that about him, you know? He's my young brother and still cares about me. He'll always care. He's the only one that would care.

No one else would care.

RLV

#

Dear …,

Like I said, no one else would care. I've found that out. Even after Vene called me. I've been trying to keep going, but I can't see where I'm going. I can't see where my life will go besides being stuck in this painful loop. You know, this all started because of you, Toni. Everything started with you. My life ended up going downhill after our break-up. Yeah, I know, I really shouldn't be blaming anyone at all but I have to. I mean, without you hurting me, breaking my fucking heart, I'd probably be with Arthur living a good life right now. If you hadn't come into the picture, Gilbert and I probably would have dated instead and I'd probably be having a good time with him as well. There are so many fucking "ifs" about this. Why did my life turn out this way? Huh? Why am I on this set path? Why am I coming to this Bad End? Fucking hell, Antonio, I can't see any light in my life. It's all been ebbing away. I'm not sure I can deal with this anymore. I can't. I really can't…

RLV

#

Dear …,

It's been a while since I've been a work. Francis still tries calling me, leaving voice mails for me to hear. Some text messages were sent as well by him. I just didn't want to deal with it. I knew what they were all going to say. I knew what the messages were about.

Sure enough, when I listened and read the messages, they were the same. Francis said he was concerned, I doubt he truly was. He notified me that the guy was fired because the other workers had noticed him bothering me again. By the last couple of messages I could hear him getting annoyed with my silence. His last messages was him "regretfully" telling me that he had to let me go since I've been absent. It was no surprise. It really wasn't.

Now I have no strings attached to anyone or anything. What's the point now?

RLV

#

Dear Bastard,

This is going to be my last letter. I just wanted to say that I don't regret anything anymore. What I'm planning to do for myself is what I think is best. I know I'm being selfish but I don't see anything for myself in this life. Maybe the next life I live, if I ever get the chance or if that's even a real thing, I can be happier and with someone I love. It's a possibility. All I know right now is that I know I will feel free and light again after I do this. So, as my last respects to everyone…

Francis, I wish to thank you for giving me a chance to do what I love in life. I know that running out like that and never coming back or answering your calls is kind of low but things were difficult. I hope you can find peace with your own love trauma that you mentioned on and off. You deserve the right kind of love like any other person.

Gilbert, I'm not mad at you. I just hope that you will find the love you want with Matthew and Ivan. I know that their love would've trumped mine in the end. Hopefully, you won't have to make yourself into an idiot just to get their attention. Just be yourself you silly, awesome bastard.

Arthur, in a way I am still very much in love with you. I wish that I hadn't done what I did but past is past. I can't take anything back and I'll have to deal with it. I hope that you will be able to find love as well. You deserve it for taking my shit and with all that you've been through in your own life. Cheers, mate, as you would say.

Vene, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm just giving up even when you're encouraging me and supporting me from where ever you are right now. Promise me that you'll have a good happy life with Ludwig (like I promised, I stopped calling him 'potato bastard.' Aloud.) I'm sorry that I can't be that strong big brother you need in your life now and then. I'm sorry for being selfish.

Antonio… I loved you. You were my very first love. Sure, there were some girls before you and even a guy, but you were the very first person I ever truly loved. What you did hurt me. What you did scarred me and made me who I am right now. Untrusting, nervous, over thinking, panicky, afraid. All the things that slowly drove my life to the edge. I wish we could have had the chance to work out our differences even if we didn't get back together. Honestly, I don't think I would ever start dating you again after everything. My love for you has dissipated over the years. A little of it is still there because I care for you, I really do, but I'd never get back together with you. Also, I know it's not entirely your fault that my life ended up where it is. You're just one of many people who factor into this life. I'm sorry that this all ended up happening and I forgive you if you are at all feeling sorry for what happened. Try to live a happy life. Don't be a bastard.

Now that I've said my piece, I can say my final goodbye. Someone will most likely find these letters and read them. I'm not sure who but I don't care. I won't need to care after I'm gone. So here it is.

Ciao.

With much-unsaid love,

Romano Lovino Vargas

#

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Dear Romano Lovino Vargas,

It was Feliciano that appeared in tears when he found me in Spain. It was Francis and Gilbert who called me or texted about their frustrations and pain. It was Arthur who told me in front of everyone that I should not have been there for your funeral. Then it was me who was torn, hurt, crying, frustrated, and guilty.

Reading all these letters took me far longer than I thought it would. Feli had them wrapped up together by a string and gave them to me after the funeral. Arthur was the one who explained what they really were. He has a chip on his shoulder, more so now than before. I was surprised to know they were all letters to me. I still don't know how I feel about it all. I can tell you I cried a few times. Laughed at some. There was a lot I missed out on, huh?

From all this, I believe that I shouldn't have any right to even think about you. I know you said in the very last letter that you don't blame me anymore but I have started to blame myself. You're right. I shouldn't have cheated on you with that chica or go back to her after our fight. I shouldn't have but I did. I wish I could do things over again. I wish we could've stayed in contact to resolve our problems…but it's too late now.

I'm really sorry, Lovi. I can say that over and over and I know that you've forgiven me but I don't think I will ever forgive myself. I was being just as stubborn as you but the least I could have done is send a letter or postcard sending you good wishes and positivity. I'm not sure if that would have changed anything, though.

I don't really want to speak about myself at all but I'll write a small paragraph summarizing what's been going on with me. I gave up on my farm dream and went into music. I'm currently in an orchestra playing the cello. I have a fiancée now who is that Belgium woman you heard of before. We plan to marry next Spring. Life has been bumpy for me but not as harsh as it was for you. I wish that you could've stayed strong for a bit longer because I feel like there would have been a miraculous change for you.

I wish you were living my life or something similar because you deserved to be happy. No matter our mistakes. I wish that you could've gotten back with Arthur because it seems he would've dated you again. You just needed to say something. There are so many selfish wishes that we are all making because we miss you. I'm not sure if you realized it but there are a lot of people who cared about you. Even if you felt like none of us did, or if we were all too busy to speak with you from time to time, we all cared about you.

The only reason why I'm writing this to you is that I felt it would be right to reply. So I'm writing my own letter. Honestly, the idea of writing letters like this to relieve stress and thoughts is very smart. I might take this idea of yours if I ever feel the need to express myself about something. I hope you don't mind. I might write them out to you in hopes that you'd read them over my shoulder if you're around. I know it's possible but it's also possible that your spirit has left this Earth for good.

I hope that you've been reincarnated into a life that's happier for yourself. We all miss you, Lovi. I miss you. I've missed you for so long. And in a way, I still have you in my heart. I still love you even though I've moved on and am going to marry someone else soon. I know I can only pray for your spirit to finally be at peace.

This is all I can think to write for now. I might write some later in direct reply to all your letters. I just wanted to write this one as my reaction to everything that has happened and some thoughts of mine since I got the news. I guess I will write to you another time then, Lovi.

With mournful cries and everlasting love,

Antonio Fernandez-Carriedo

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**Note: **There will not be a sequel to this story. This is a one-shot and is one of my pride and joys that I have written.

This is not beta-ed so there might be mistakes.

**Ciao:** I hope those of you who finished reading the story enjoyed it. Thank you for reading, dearies. R&R if you wish.


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